Portraying The Terran Condition: An Approach To Simulate A Civilization

Behold your enemy, brightly colored ovals that appear to be guarding
some kind of  math classroom.

Platform: PC

Publisher: monochrome

Developer: Damien Di Fede

Release Date: 2012

I'd like to say that the month long delay in updates was due to being on vacation or because I was preoccupied with important & pressing matters, but it's been nothing more than a cause of the summer doldrums. I did manage to catch up on a number of games I'd downloaded, but yet to play, so I guess it hasn't been a total loss. Among said games was a little gem titled Portraying The Terran Condition: An Approach To Simulate A Civilization.

Nice fire temple...Uh, there anything I can shoot down here?

A 'jam game' made as a mockery of the fps genera, PTTC:AATSAC manages to go beyond the realm of satire and into a whole world of surreal WTFery. Billing itself as a “research shooter,” the game reenacts several pivotal events in human history, reconstructed from partial Earth archaeological data. The Battle of Waterloo reenacted by wandering around a maze and firing polychromatic explosives at floating ovoids? Uh, yea, that sounds about right...

Minimalist with an eye-melting, electric neon color palate, this is like an early 90's fps on acid. Six levels, a single weapon, a singly type of enemy, and no power ups; PTTC:AATSAC will appeal to the kind of gamer who will appreciate exploring levels that are more aesthetically appealing than combat intensive. Sure, there's a bunch of those oval dudes to blast away, but that's only part of the game. It takes about an hour or so to complete PTTC:AATSAC and, once you do, there's little replay value, but being that the game is free and such an oddball experience, it's worth checking it out.

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"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"

Tennis Pro 92

Yes, I am at fault for owning this game...

Platform: Watara SuperVision

Publisher: Watara Industries Limited

Developer: B.I.T.S., Ltd. 

Release Date: 1992

I recently came down with a bout of tennis elbow, which I found to be somewhat ironic as I've never played a game of tennis in my life. Tennis is horrible and the only thing more boring then the actual sport are it's digital facsimiles. "What about Pong!?" I can already hear you whining. I realize that two lines and a dot moving across a tv screen was revolutionary in 1972, but it's still fucking boring. Anyone who says they've played Pong for more than a five minute stretch is a bold-faced liar. It's a mind-numbing video game because tennis is a mind-numbing sport. With that said, imagine my surprise when I discovered I happened to own a tennis game. About a year ago I'd purchased a lot of Watara SuperVisoin cartridges off eBay and included with them was a copy of Tennis Pro 92. Aghast, I decided to play it, just to see if it would be as horrible as I suspected.

I didn't know C.H.U.D.s played tennis.

The first thing I wanted to know was why they tacked on the “92” to the title. “Tennis Pro” would have been fine and certainly have made the game seem less dated in the years to come. A quick Google search revealed in 1992 there was a surge in new tennis video games released; double the year before and after, and most of them had names like Andre Agassi & Jennifer Capriati attached to the title. From a marketing standpoint, Watara was just trying to brand this with that year's tennis fad. This tends to be a bad thing, as these type of games are quickly cobbled together to make a buck off the current trend. Just looking at the cartridge art, this already looks ridiculously shabby. What the fuck is going on here? That dude looks like the Toxic Avenger's yuppie cousin. Is that a tennis ball coming toward him or comet plummeting down to earth?

"...be wise to choose the various shot types available." Indeed.

The game begins with a minimal start screen accompanied by faux-80's rock music, which would seem better suited for a scrolling beat 'em up rather than tennis. In typical shitty Watara style, the soundtrack disappears when you leave the main screen, replaced by a combination of silence and explosion sound effects when you miss a ball. You can select from one of three settings: Beginner, Intermediate, and Pro, which make absolutely no difference in the game's level of difficulty. The graphics are simplistic, but fairly decent looking; you almost might be fooled into thinking this was some shtty unlicensed cart for Gameboy.

There are supposed to be eight different ways to

The average tennis aficionado.

hit the ball, but the reality of it is there are two; seven of the button combinations result in a little pussy tap from the racket that usually wont even send the ball over the net and one that wallops the fucker sky high. Adding to the frustrating game play is that instead of going with a simple top-down view, they went for an isometric one. When struck, the ball arches and bounces, arguably impressive for the Watara, but the pseudo-3d thing it makes it a bitch to figure out where the ball is going and position yourself accordingly. And, that about the extent of things; you hit a ball back and forth.

I didn't think it was possible to make tennis more god-awful then it already is, but Tennis Pro 92 has proved me wrong. Could this be the worst tennis game ever made? Perhaps. Is it worth playing other tennis video games to serve as comparison? No fucking way. So, I guess we'll just settle on this being the worst tennis game ever made and close the book on that subject.