Portraying The Terran Condition: An Approach To Simulate A Civilization

Behold your enemy, brightly colored ovals that appear to be guarding
some kind of  math classroom.

Platform: PC

Publisher: monochrome

Developer: Damien Di Fede

Release Date: 2012

I'd like to say that the month long delay in updates was due to being on vacation or because I was preoccupied with important & pressing matters, but it's been nothing more than a cause of the summer doldrums. I did manage to catch up on a number of games I'd downloaded, but yet to play, so I guess it hasn't been a total loss. Among said games was a little gem titled Portraying The Terran Condition: An Approach To Simulate A Civilization.

Nice fire temple...Uh, there anything I can shoot down here?

A 'jam game' made as a mockery of the fps genera, PTTC:AATSAC manages to go beyond the realm of satire and into a whole world of surreal WTFery. Billing itself as a “research shooter,” the game reenacts several pivotal events in human history, reconstructed from partial Earth archaeological data. The Battle of Waterloo reenacted by wandering around a maze and firing polychromatic explosives at floating ovoids? Uh, yea, that sounds about right...

Minimalist with an eye-melting, electric neon color palate, this is like an early 90's fps on acid. Six levels, a single weapon, a singly type of enemy, and no power ups; PTTC:AATSAC will appeal to the kind of gamer who will appreciate exploring levels that are more aesthetically appealing than combat intensive. Sure, there's a bunch of those oval dudes to blast away, but that's only part of the game. It takes about an hour or so to complete PTTC:AATSAC and, once you do, there's little replay value, but being that the game is free and such an oddball experience, it's worth checking it out.

Dowload

"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"

Onell Design: Lost Sincroid Army & Neo Phase Argen

These dudes from Onell's latest mini drop arrived in the mail this week. Initially, I was going to come up with a story line for the photos, but I've been fairly brain-dead the past few days and figured it was time I got this posted. So, I just snapped a few random shots of each and jotted down my thoughts on 'em.

My favorite of the wave is the Granthan Corps LSA. I never thought I'd dig an orange & crayola yellow color scheme, but it actually works surprising well. And, the bonus black Elder Exellis head makes the Granthan Corps look freaking rad.

Coming in a close second is the Neo Phase Argen MK XII. That translucent slime green colorway is wicked cool looking, but a bitch to photograph. The dude comes with a bonus set of axis joins, the little ones at the shoulder and the big ones at the knees, but I ended up sticking with the original knee configuration because it looks more proportional. I guess I could shell out for another axis set and use those small axis balls for knees, but that would put the price tag at over $15 and that seems a little much. The kukris he's wielding came from the Weaponeers of Monkaa's Veridiohm Close Combat Armory, which is a perfect color match for the Neo Phase.  

Finally, we have the Standard LSA. I'm underwhelmed by the green on green color scheme, but admit the black accent lines look pretty sharp. I was also disappointing by the three heads that came with this guy and ended up using the black Dark Traveler bonus head from the Granthan Corps. Meh, the Standard LSA is ok, but that's all.

Endless Quest: Dungeon of Dread

Awesome cover = awesome book, right?

Author: Rose Estes

Publisher: TSR Hobbies, Inc

Published: 1982

Kids are idiots and I am (or was, to be more accurate) no exception. Case in point: the fond childhood memories I have of TSR's Endless Quest books. My elementary school library had a surprising selection of these pick-a-path adventures and I spent much of the 5^th grade devouring them. So, imagine my excitement when I recently stumbled upon a copy of Dungeon of Dread and a few others at a garage sale for 25 cents apiece. Not only was I going to relive the swords and sorcery adventures of my youth, the thought had crossed my mind that I might even map out the dungeon and, with a little tweaking, make it into an adventure I could run. It was going to be great...

The wine-guzzling, suicidal baboon: a common
 stock character in children's literature.

Going through the introduction I was struck with the disturbing realization that my constant portrayal of NPC halflings as cowardly, shiftless thieves inevitably came from reading this as an impressionable youth. The depiction of Laurus, the halfling companion, is so ridiculously bigoted that it sounds like something that old, racist uncle of yours might say at Thanksgiving dinner after a few too many beers. “Ya gotta watch out for them halflings, Billy. Thieves, the whole lot... They're the Puerto Ricans of Mystara!” Hatred toward fictional humanoid races aside, the plot is so ludicrous I almost stopped reading five pages in. Said thieving halfling sneaks into evil wizard's mountain home, gets caught, evil wizard is like “Look at all my treasure! Pretty bitchin', right? Now I'm going to release you because no one will believe your story,” and you're all “Sounds legit, lets go kill this dude and take his stuff.”

"To prance this well, I had to take 6 years of
Gargoyle dressage!"

Reading through this book has probably killed more brain cells than years of binge drinking. I went through the whole god-awful thing, every choice, but it's not even worth getting into how stupid and terrible they are. About the only memorable part in Dungeon of Dread is the depressed, alcoholic merchant who has been polymorphed into a baboon and commits suicide by provoking you into killing him. That's some heavy shit for a children's book. Oh, there's also a gargoyle that prances when he attacks you. Like, the book twice mentions that the gargoyle doesn't walk or run, it prances. As for my idea of mapping the dungeon out to turn it into a playable adventure, that's not going to happen. There are numerous bottlenecks to certain choices that make the dungeon impossible to physically exist. One dude did attempt to make a map and it looks like some kind of M.C. Escher nightmare on graph paper.

Rereading Dungeon of Dread has convinced me that 10 year-old me was a dumbass for thinking the Endless Quests were so great. Or, maybe, I've just grown jaded & snarky and feel like taking a piss on a book written for children. I do have to admit there is still a bit of nostalgic appreciation for it, no matter how stupid I've come to realize Dungeon of Dread is. Jim Holloway did the interior illustrations and Elmore did the cover, so that's something. And, the 'water weird-key reflection' trap was kinda rad. Even so, it seems highly unlikely that I will be revisiting the other Endless Quest books anytime soon...

The GodBeast: Radioactive Kabuto Mushis

The once great Empire of Man has fallen and with it, their home world, the ecumenopolis Gaia. Eons later, the planet-city remains an irradiated husk, nothing more than crumbling ruins of steel and concrete. But, Gaia is not dead...Those creatures of the lowest orders: Coleoptera, Blattodea, Siphonaptera, and so on, have not only survived, they have prospered.

While countless generations of exposure to radiation has expedited their evolution, hardening their chitin and developing their brains, it has had the opposite effect on the descendants of those who built the ecumenopolis. Hideously mutated, debased and primitive, these pinkish things barely resemble their Homo sapiens ancestors. 

Such encounters are rare, but when they happen, the result is always the same; death. Each species believe themselves to be the rightful owner of this wasteland and see their enemy as vermin to be eradicated.

The combat is swift and brutal. No quarter is given and none is expected.

The encounter provides to be a foolish mistake for the small band of mutant humanoids. A scarabaeiform larva Kabuto Mushi is an equal match for a lone adult humanoid. But, adult Kabuto Mushis? Between their massive strength, dense chitin, and razor sharp claws, the humanoids are quickly dispatched.

Almost as soon as it has begun, the battle is over. Survival on this decaying planet is determined only by merciless savagery.

*  *  *

My Radioactive Green and Pink Kabuto Mushis from the GodBeast arrived today and holy hell are they rad. The neon pink and slime green colors just pop like crazy, it's got an awesome early 90's vibe going. Seriously, you need to snag these dudes. I'd be amazed if these didn't fly out of the shop, leaving you stuck like a chump paying $25 a pop for them off eBay. Another sweet thing about these Kabuto Mushis is the green matches the most recent Veridiohm colorway from Weaponeers of Monkaa, which makes for some cool builds: 

Tennis Pro 92

Yes, I am at fault for owning this game...

Platform: Watara SuperVision

Publisher: Watara Industries Limited

Developer: B.I.T.S., Ltd. 

Release Date: 1992

I recently came down with a bout of tennis elbow, which I found to be somewhat ironic as I've never played a game of tennis in my life. Tennis is horrible and the only thing more boring then the actual sport are it's digital facsimiles. "What about Pong!?" I can already hear you whining. I realize that two lines and a dot moving across a tv screen was revolutionary in 1972, but it's still fucking boring. Anyone who says they've played Pong for more than a five minute stretch is a bold-faced liar. It's a mind-numbing video game because tennis is a mind-numbing sport. With that said, imagine my surprise when I discovered I happened to own a tennis game. About a year ago I'd purchased a lot of Watara SuperVisoin cartridges off eBay and included with them was a copy of Tennis Pro 92. Aghast, I decided to play it, just to see if it would be as horrible as I suspected.

I didn't know C.H.U.D.s played tennis.

The first thing I wanted to know was why they tacked on the “92” to the title. “Tennis Pro” would have been fine and certainly have made the game seem less dated in the years to come. A quick Google search revealed in 1992 there was a surge in new tennis video games released; double the year before and after, and most of them had names like Andre Agassi & Jennifer Capriati attached to the title. From a marketing standpoint, Watara was just trying to brand this with that year's tennis fad. This tends to be a bad thing, as these type of games are quickly cobbled together to make a buck off the current trend. Just looking at the cartridge art, this already looks ridiculously shabby. What the fuck is going on here? That dude looks like the Toxic Avenger's yuppie cousin. Is that a tennis ball coming toward him or comet plummeting down to earth?

"...be wise to choose the various shot types available." Indeed.

The game begins with a minimal start screen accompanied by faux-80's rock music, which would seem better suited for a scrolling beat 'em up rather than tennis. In typical shitty Watara style, the soundtrack disappears when you leave the main screen, replaced by a combination of silence and explosion sound effects when you miss a ball. You can select from one of three settings: Beginner, Intermediate, and Pro, which make absolutely no difference in the game's level of difficulty. The graphics are simplistic, but fairly decent looking; you almost might be fooled into thinking this was some shtty unlicensed cart for Gameboy.

There are supposed to be eight different ways to

The average tennis aficionado.

hit the ball, but the reality of it is there are two; seven of the button combinations result in a little pussy tap from the racket that usually wont even send the ball over the net and one that wallops the fucker sky high. Adding to the frustrating game play is that instead of going with a simple top-down view, they went for an isometric one. When struck, the ball arches and bounces, arguably impressive for the Watara, but the pseudo-3d thing it makes it a bitch to figure out where the ball is going and position yourself accordingly. And, that about the extent of things; you hit a ball back and forth.

I didn't think it was possible to make tennis more god-awful then it already is, but Tennis Pro 92 has proved me wrong. Could this be the worst tennis game ever made? Perhaps. Is it worth playing other tennis video games to serve as comparison? No fucking way. So, I guess we'll just settle on this being the worst tennis game ever made and close the book on that subject.